One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
