Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
