No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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