First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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