Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize