Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
