My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
