Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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