today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
