i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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