Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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