I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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