i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
