OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
