u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
