This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize