it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
