just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
