we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
