Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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