I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
