My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
