i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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