TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Who died my cat blue again?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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