So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
