you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
