so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
