I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
