i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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