I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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