After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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