dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
