Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
