i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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