Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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