I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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