Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
