so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
