Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
