I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just had sex on a roof
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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