also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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