OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
