wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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