mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
