I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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