So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
