I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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