I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
