so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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