Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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