Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just cropdusted the office
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize