Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
