you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize