i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
