The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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