life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
