what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
